urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:f_uckingwh0re [[you won't like what you see]] no one 2005-09-25T20:35:19Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:f_uckingwh0re:1804 2005-09-25T20:35:19Z 2005-09-25T20:35:19Z Feeling kinda lost right now. Not so sure where i am or where i wanna go. Feel like I'm hopelessly floating somewhere in the inbetween ...just waiting ...waiting to move ...and i could go either way. So my thoughts flip flop between health and hell. I feel too sick to be well, but to well too be sick. <br /><br />...and I seem to be slowly slipping back into old habits that i've been trying so hard to stop ....but do I really want to stop? Do I really want to change? Do I really want to be happy? ...that scares me, thinking that ...I get something out of doing this to myself. In some sick twisted way I enjoy hurting myself. I mean isn't that the reason why any of us do it, I mean you don't keep doing something unless it serves some sort of purpose, right? I just can't figure out what purpose it serves for me, what keeps me coming back ...falling down. That's what I was supposed to be working toward finding out when i went to the therapist ...only went to 3 sessions though. Didn't feel like it was really helping me ...kinda too repetitive ..and I probably wasn't being as honest as i should have been. I know I wasn't being honest when I was in EDTC. That's why it didn't help ...you have to want to get better before you can get better. ...and maybe i want to get better now? I want someone to push me ...to tell me I HAVE to stop living like this ...cause it's not really living ...but maybe that should tell me that I'm really not ready to change yet.<br /><br />Don't you have to hit the bottom first? I don't want to. I think that is the only thing i'm sure of right now.<br /><br />Right about now I could use a good hug. Right about now I could use some sleep. Right about now I want to get out of the house ...but instead I find myself running back in forth from my room to the bathroom.<br /><br />Good job, Jess! Great job! I suck.<br /><br />I hate this fucking feeling. I should be happy ...what the fuck do I have to be upset about? I have an amazing girlfriend that I love with all my heart and I know that even with all my flaws she loves me, too. We really understand each other and I feel blessed to have someone as special as her in my life ...cause I really feel as if I don't deserve her. She's too good, too beautiful, too caring ...but she wants to be with me. We've actually exchanged promise rings. ...and I should be happy and content with my life right now. I thought I had found what I was looking for ...love.<br /><br /><br />So what the fuck is wrong with me? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:f_uckingwh0re:351 2005-08-10T08:41:32Z 2005-08-10T08:41:32Z <p><strong><em><font color="#cc0000" size="6"><u>*[*<font color="#ff6600">[*<font color="#ffff00">f*<font color="#33ff33">r*<font color="#3333ff">i*<font color="#cc33cc">e*<font color="#ff0000">n*<font color="#ff6600">d*</font>s* *</font>o*</font>n*</font>l*</font>y*</font>]*</font>]*</u></font></em></strong></p>