Sun, 25 Sep 2005 20:35:19 GMT

Feeling kinda lost right now. Not so sure where i am or where i wanna go. Feel like I'm hopelessly floating somewhere in the inbetween ...just waiting ...waiting to move ...and i could go either way. So my thoughts flip flop between health and hell. I feel too sick to be well, but to well too be sick.

...and I seem to be slowly slipping back into old habits that i've been trying so hard to stop ....but do I really want to stop? Do I really want to change? Do I really want to be happy? ...that scares me, thinking that ...I get something out of doing this to myself. In some sick twisted way I enjoy hurting myself. I mean isn't that the reason why any of us do it, I mean you don't keep doing something unless it serves some sort of purpose, right? I just can't figure out what purpose it serves for me, what keeps me coming back ...falling down. That's what I was supposed to be working toward finding out when i went to the therapist ...only went to 3 sessions though. Didn't feel like it was really helping me ...kinda too repetitive ..and I probably wasn't being as honest as i should have been. I know I wasn't being honest when I was in EDTC. That's why it didn't help ...you have to want to get better before you can get better. ...and maybe i want to get better now? I want someone to push me ...to tell me I HAVE to stop living like this ...cause it's not really living ...but maybe that should tell me that I'm really not ready to change yet.

Don't you have to hit the bottom first? I don't want to. I think that is the only thing i'm sure of right now.

Right about now I could use a good hug. Right about now I could use some sleep. Right about now I want to get out of the house ...but instead I find myself running back in forth from my room to the bathroom.

Good job, Jess! Great job! I suck.

I hate this fucking feeling. I should be happy ...what the fuck do I have to be upset about? I have an amazing girlfriend that I love with all my heart and I know that even with all my flaws she loves me, too. We really understand each other and I feel blessed to have someone as special as her in my life ...cause I really feel as if I don't deserve her. She's too good, too beautiful, too caring ...but she wants to be with me. We've actually exchanged promise rings. ...and I should be happy and content with my life right now. I thought I had found what I was looking for ...love.

So what the fuck is wrong with me?

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 08:41:32 GMT

*[*[*f*r*i*e*n*d*s* *o*n*l*y*]*]*

*a look inside*

a look inside